God is my darkness

Isaiah 50:10
Let those who dwell in the dark
and have no Light
Trust in the name of the LORD
and rely on their God.


I lay awake tonight embracing dark thoughts.

I have been worn out for more than a week, and I came home kinda crazy tonight. That generally leads to some biting and cackling (see Terry Prachett's Wee Free Men, and Granny Aching series.) Afterwards, it leads to the brooding. So that's were this post began.

I am angry with the world.

My heart has been broken everyday for fifteen years by parents who are too broken, too lost, and too self-centered to embrace me and love me and be there for me.

I am angry at a society that forces us to either lie, cheat, and steal to get ahead or be crushed.

I know, right now, I could bring in thousands of dollars a month by setting up and maintaining web servers that distribute pornography. Even in this recession, it is a booming international business. I won't do it, because it is horrid and revolting. But it pisses me off that I can't find a way to make the same kind of money without victimizing a whole slew of people. And it ticks me off that I won't be rewarded in this life for doing the right thing.

I am angry that I have to allow myself to be mistreated by a company that embodies so much of what is wrong in this world. They use Indians and Filipinos as virtual slave labor, and then hang this over our heads to threaten us if we don't make enough money for them. I can't afford to quit. I can't afford to get fired by voicing my opinions. I'm afraid I will be fired because I suck at selling crappy products to people, and I don't like lying for money. I am pissed at myself for not having the moral fortitude to voice my opinions because of necessity.

I am angry that I am so stressed out that I can't rest properly, which is driving me insane (literally, ask Amber.)

I am angry that I have been praying about all of these things and a whole host of other things for a very long time with no resolution, and no hint of help from God.

I am angry because I have so many doubts about what God wants and who God really is, when I think I shouldn't. I am looking at how difficult my life has been, and how much I have had to struggle just to survive; and I wonder why. Why have I had to wrestle with demons and darkness? Why have I had to struggle financially my whole life? Why does something go horribly wrong every time I am about to get ahead? Why have I had to suffer with so many injuries and so much pain for so long? Why has life been so difficult when I know God could step in and magic everything better? Is it because He can't or won't? If He can't, what is more powerful than God? If He won't, what's up with the sadism?

I remember a conversation I had with Georgia years ago. She told me that God told her to tell me I had to learn to submit to His will. (This was after dislocating my hip fighting with Scott. I spent a few days asking God to fix it, but He wouldn't.) I hadn't realized that I wasn't submitted, mostly because I am an arrogant bastard. (I still think the world should be the way I envision it, but I am learning to accept what is given.) I repented and God fixed the hip the next day.

So then I'm thinking, why such an emphasis on submission? Why do we have to embrace so much suffering and accept it as God's will? Why does He want to hurt us? (Then again, why isn't He torturing us more. I know I deserve it some days; usually on days ending in "y".)

I am laying awake, trying not to think angry thoughts at God, while trying to stop thinking angry thoughts about the world in general and about God in specific (it's a whole thing, but He gets it) when I realized I don't have to.

I am not a person who can walk in the light. I've hurt too much for too many years, even though I know there are many people who have suffered far worse for longer. (I'd have flipped out and had my killing spree/death if I were some of them.) I am, by nature, the opposite of my wife. She is a happy, joyful, carefree person. She helps people out of a love that is full of light and something just "good" that I can't really describe. (She will deny this, of course, because she is really hard on herself and won't listen to be me about how awesome she is.)

I am somber, moody, and mad at the world. I help people because I know what it's like to need someone and not have anyone there. I also know what it's like to have someone step in and help after a long time (thanks sweets, you are my super hero.) My love, or compassion, comes from understanding what it means to hurt. It's also because I want the pain to mean something, which is kind of selfish. (I'm not sure if this disqualifies it from being compassion or not.)

Anyway, when I accepted this and stopped fighting hurting over how messed up the world is, I was able to see God and feel Him holding me.

I am right to be angry at the world. I am right to feel stressed out, hurt, sad, bitter, and kind of ignored by God. And what's more, God feels the same way. (This is not to say that God does not also feel happiness and joy. He does, and that is a part of Him that Amber relates to, and that I don't. We get to see two different aspects of God's nature there. (I have a really cool theory about humanity and expressions of God's nature, but that's another post. Suffice it to say it doesn't involve a net.)

My parents are lost to me, and that kills me. They are also (as far as I can tell) lost to God (at least right now.) That's killing Him too. They are His children, after all. What's more, He has a list, billions of names long, of children damned to Hell forever. That is grief and suffering I can't fathom. There have been days when I could barely function dealing with grief over my parents, and I'm only responsible for two lives (mine and Amber's, and I'm not really responsible for hers.) Mine is a wound that is fifteen years old. God's wounds are much older, and much deeper; and yet we expect Him to run the world with "love" and kindness. We are insane. And yet He does it. Yes, there is suffering, but we all know that He also brings hope and comfort and relief.

There is oppression in the world. Much of it is far darker than just forcing people to work long hours answering people's questions about computers. Much of it is far darker than the financial slavery we call debt. These things are just the feathers on the camel's back, though greed lies at the heart of all of it. God has some very dark plans for the slave masters, very dark indeed. We forget, God invented everything, including; Pain, Suffering, Hell, and Damnation. He knows what justice is, and He knows what vengeance is, and He's very good at them both. This too is a grief for Him since, again, He is losing children forever.

God also knows what it is to submit to a transcendent Deity who subjects you to suffering. Jesus had to submit to the Father as well (and God wasn't very nice to Himself.) I have wrestled with demons. Jesus wrestled with Satan. I have resisted temptations to hurt people who are stupid, or insensitive, or just have bad timing when dealing with me. Jesus could destroy worlds and damn everyone to Hell, and people wouldn't give him ten minutes to pray, let alone time to sleep. I have read His railings against the Church of His day. It is not pretty. (See Matthew 23 for a sample.) I have had to learn to accept my pain (both the dislocated hip and the back pain, and I still suck at accepting suffering.) Jesus had to submit to the humiliation and torture of crucifixion. He's not stupid. He wasn't looking forward to suffering and dying. Especially not when His friends were just getting it, and just beginning to understand Him. But He did it. I'm afraid to ask whether or not I would have passed that test. At twenty, no problem. At twenty-nine, probably not. I know what pain is, and I don't like it.

All of that to say this:

I don't have to be afraid of my dark thoughts. I don't have to resist being angry, or tired, or cranky. I do have to watch my tongue, but being worn out is not a sin. Being heart broken and numb from grief is not a sin. Not knowing how to pray is not a sin.

I don't have to be afraid of the dark because God is here with me. He has walked these steps, He has been weary, and He knows my pain; and He is strong enough to keep opening His heart.

I don't have to be afraid that I am not strong enough to keep believing in Good, and Hope, and Love. All of these things can be found in the dark as well. Love encompasses both joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain. Hope doesn't mean I can't accept that things are bad, and unjust, and messed up. Good doesn't mean happy all the time, it means getting angry as well. (Just watch Amber when someone messes with kids and you'll see what I mean. Jack Bauer would wet himself in fear.) It just means we have to think before we act.

It's relieving to know that God will meet me where I am at; even if it is in the dark while I am thinking mean things about Him. It is good to know that He understands and accepts doubt and anger towards Him (but has limits on disrespect and a good right hook.) It is good to know that he has walked in these places and will carry me home.

It's also good to have a wife who understands the power of a good cuddle. Better than cheek full of thorazine any day.