Long overdue update

Just a quick update, which is well overdue.

School has started up for the semester. I've just repartitioned my hard drive and setup a Ubuntu 9.04 on my desktop. This is so I can more easily administer a test webserver. (I prefer to use Linux over XP for test servers.)

Amber is at a Chief's game and having a good time. I'm trying to entertain myself and generally stay out of trouble (stop laughing.)

That's about it.

Ministering to Springfield

I want your opinions on something.

Currently, the Springfield police and fire departments are nearly $200 million dollars short on their retirement/pension plan. The city police and firefighters are currently going around and asking people to vote yes on a proposition that will increase sales taxes to help make up the budget deficit.

While I know bad financial planning on the part of many of our elected officials is to blame, dealing with them is a separate issue.

Right now, what's at stake is the well-being of our police officers and firefighters. It hardly seems fair to ask them to risk their lives to protect us, and then tell them we won't take care of them should they be seriously injured or die in the line of duty. I do, reluctantly, think that we should vote yes to this proposition. (I don't want to pay more in taxes, but I believe you should take care of the people who lay it on the line for you.)

That's the starting point, and the obvious political part. Here's the ministry part:

The question I have is this: can the Christian community in Springfield pro-actively do anything to help? While I have concerns about whether or not Christians in Springfield would be generous enough to take steps, I think it is a good idea.

Let me clarify the steps I envision.

1.) Begin a prayer campaign specifically for SPD and SFD. They have a hard job, and in many cases a dangerous job. Asking for a few extra angels to stand between them and danger seems only fair, since they stand between us and danger.

2.) Organize offerings/bake sales/etc for each church in Springfield to make a donation to the SPD/SFD fund with no strings attached. (This is the part I have concerns about, because I can see huge arguments from Christians about it not being the church's responsibility. I am also unsure about how steeply the denominational gap divides Christians in Springfield from one another. I am also unsure about how separation of church and state would apply here.)

3.) Have churches with counseling services make those services available to SPD and SFD officers free of charge, or at reduced rates. (Police officers have a difficult job; and as I understand it, there are high divorce rates and suicide rates among police officers. I would have to do more research to confirm this.)

4.) If there aren't any, organize support groups for officers and for officers' families.

I believe this is an opportunity to minister to a group who truly needs it. I thought about approaching my pastor with the idea, but I thought it best to consult a council of wise elders first. (That would be you guys, since we're getting old.)

Happy Ninja-Mas

This is the story of Ninja Claus and his Christmas Musk-Oxen of Doom.

This story originated when Amber and I were riding around looking at Christmas lights one night several years ago. We came across a display that featured a collection of musk-oxen, but no Santa. Amber asked why some one would have musk oxen up instead of reindeer. It was then I let her in on the long lost legend of Ninja Claus and his Christmas Musk Oxen of Doom.

We all know that Santa lives at the North Pole, has flying reindeer, and makes a list of who's naughty and nice. We also know that St. Nick takes presents to all the nice little girls and boys, and give a lump of coal to the naughty children. What they don't tell you, is that Ninja Claus follows after Santa and beats the holy snot out of the naughty children with his ninja-y awesomeness.

This arrangement came about several hundred years ago. We all know that Nicolas Claus went around Germany giving out presents in his mortal life. What you didn't know was that he used to have weekly shakedowns from the German Mob. During the final visit from the ruffians, they happened to accost young Nicolas when he was being visited by his brother Freidrich. Freidrich had just returned from spending fifteen years traveling abroad to master the ancient fighting arts of Asia. Let's just say when they were handing out bodyguard assignments for saints, everyone wanted Freidrich.

Now, with his trusty ninja sleigh, pulled by Musk Oxen trained and raised in Siberia, Ninja Claus visits sweet Christmasy doom upon the doomed heads of the filthy human worm babies.

God is my darkness

Isaiah 50:10
Let those who dwell in the dark
and have no Light
Trust in the name of the LORD
and rely on their God.


I lay awake tonight embracing dark thoughts.

I have been worn out for more than a week, and I came home kinda crazy tonight. That generally leads to some biting and cackling (see Terry Prachett's Wee Free Men, and Granny Aching series.) Afterwards, it leads to the brooding. So that's were this post began.

I am angry with the world.

My heart has been broken everyday for fifteen years by parents who are too broken, too lost, and too self-centered to embrace me and love me and be there for me.

I am angry at a society that forces us to either lie, cheat, and steal to get ahead or be crushed.

I know, right now, I could bring in thousands of dollars a month by setting up and maintaining web servers that distribute pornography. Even in this recession, it is a booming international business. I won't do it, because it is horrid and revolting. But it pisses me off that I can't find a way to make the same kind of money without victimizing a whole slew of people. And it ticks me off that I won't be rewarded in this life for doing the right thing.

I am angry that I have to allow myself to be mistreated by a company that embodies so much of what is wrong in this world. They use Indians and Filipinos as virtual slave labor, and then hang this over our heads to threaten us if we don't make enough money for them. I can't afford to quit. I can't afford to get fired by voicing my opinions. I'm afraid I will be fired because I suck at selling crappy products to people, and I don't like lying for money. I am pissed at myself for not having the moral fortitude to voice my opinions because of necessity.

I am angry that I am so stressed out that I can't rest properly, which is driving me insane (literally, ask Amber.)

I am angry that I have been praying about all of these things and a whole host of other things for a very long time with no resolution, and no hint of help from God.

I am angry because I have so many doubts about what God wants and who God really is, when I think I shouldn't. I am looking at how difficult my life has been, and how much I have had to struggle just to survive; and I wonder why. Why have I had to wrestle with demons and darkness? Why have I had to struggle financially my whole life? Why does something go horribly wrong every time I am about to get ahead? Why have I had to suffer with so many injuries and so much pain for so long? Why has life been so difficult when I know God could step in and magic everything better? Is it because He can't or won't? If He can't, what is more powerful than God? If He won't, what's up with the sadism?

I remember a conversation I had with Georgia years ago. She told me that God told her to tell me I had to learn to submit to His will. (This was after dislocating my hip fighting with Scott. I spent a few days asking God to fix it, but He wouldn't.) I hadn't realized that I wasn't submitted, mostly because I am an arrogant bastard. (I still think the world should be the way I envision it, but I am learning to accept what is given.) I repented and God fixed the hip the next day.

So then I'm thinking, why such an emphasis on submission? Why do we have to embrace so much suffering and accept it as God's will? Why does He want to hurt us? (Then again, why isn't He torturing us more. I know I deserve it some days; usually on days ending in "y".)

I am laying awake, trying not to think angry thoughts at God, while trying to stop thinking angry thoughts about the world in general and about God in specific (it's a whole thing, but He gets it) when I realized I don't have to.

I am not a person who can walk in the light. I've hurt too much for too many years, even though I know there are many people who have suffered far worse for longer. (I'd have flipped out and had my killing spree/death if I were some of them.) I am, by nature, the opposite of my wife. She is a happy, joyful, carefree person. She helps people out of a love that is full of light and something just "good" that I can't really describe. (She will deny this, of course, because she is really hard on herself and won't listen to be me about how awesome she is.)

I am somber, moody, and mad at the world. I help people because I know what it's like to need someone and not have anyone there. I also know what it's like to have someone step in and help after a long time (thanks sweets, you are my super hero.) My love, or compassion, comes from understanding what it means to hurt. It's also because I want the pain to mean something, which is kind of selfish. (I'm not sure if this disqualifies it from being compassion or not.)

Anyway, when I accepted this and stopped fighting hurting over how messed up the world is, I was able to see God and feel Him holding me.

I am right to be angry at the world. I am right to feel stressed out, hurt, sad, bitter, and kind of ignored by God. And what's more, God feels the same way. (This is not to say that God does not also feel happiness and joy. He does, and that is a part of Him that Amber relates to, and that I don't. We get to see two different aspects of God's nature there. (I have a really cool theory about humanity and expressions of God's nature, but that's another post. Suffice it to say it doesn't involve a net.)

My parents are lost to me, and that kills me. They are also (as far as I can tell) lost to God (at least right now.) That's killing Him too. They are His children, after all. What's more, He has a list, billions of names long, of children damned to Hell forever. That is grief and suffering I can't fathom. There have been days when I could barely function dealing with grief over my parents, and I'm only responsible for two lives (mine and Amber's, and I'm not really responsible for hers.) Mine is a wound that is fifteen years old. God's wounds are much older, and much deeper; and yet we expect Him to run the world with "love" and kindness. We are insane. And yet He does it. Yes, there is suffering, but we all know that He also brings hope and comfort and relief.

There is oppression in the world. Much of it is far darker than just forcing people to work long hours answering people's questions about computers. Much of it is far darker than the financial slavery we call debt. These things are just the feathers on the camel's back, though greed lies at the heart of all of it. God has some very dark plans for the slave masters, very dark indeed. We forget, God invented everything, including; Pain, Suffering, Hell, and Damnation. He knows what justice is, and He knows what vengeance is, and He's very good at them both. This too is a grief for Him since, again, He is losing children forever.

God also knows what it is to submit to a transcendent Deity who subjects you to suffering. Jesus had to submit to the Father as well (and God wasn't very nice to Himself.) I have wrestled with demons. Jesus wrestled with Satan. I have resisted temptations to hurt people who are stupid, or insensitive, or just have bad timing when dealing with me. Jesus could destroy worlds and damn everyone to Hell, and people wouldn't give him ten minutes to pray, let alone time to sleep. I have read His railings against the Church of His day. It is not pretty. (See Matthew 23 for a sample.) I have had to learn to accept my pain (both the dislocated hip and the back pain, and I still suck at accepting suffering.) Jesus had to submit to the humiliation and torture of crucifixion. He's not stupid. He wasn't looking forward to suffering and dying. Especially not when His friends were just getting it, and just beginning to understand Him. But He did it. I'm afraid to ask whether or not I would have passed that test. At twenty, no problem. At twenty-nine, probably not. I know what pain is, and I don't like it.

All of that to say this:

I don't have to be afraid of my dark thoughts. I don't have to resist being angry, or tired, or cranky. I do have to watch my tongue, but being worn out is not a sin. Being heart broken and numb from grief is not a sin. Not knowing how to pray is not a sin.

I don't have to be afraid of the dark because God is here with me. He has walked these steps, He has been weary, and He knows my pain; and He is strong enough to keep opening His heart.

I don't have to be afraid that I am not strong enough to keep believing in Good, and Hope, and Love. All of these things can be found in the dark as well. Love encompasses both joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain. Hope doesn't mean I can't accept that things are bad, and unjust, and messed up. Good doesn't mean happy all the time, it means getting angry as well. (Just watch Amber when someone messes with kids and you'll see what I mean. Jack Bauer would wet himself in fear.) It just means we have to think before we act.

It's relieving to know that God will meet me where I am at; even if it is in the dark while I am thinking mean things about Him. It is good to know that He understands and accepts doubt and anger towards Him (but has limits on disrespect and a good right hook.) It is good to know that he has walked in these places and will carry me home.

It's also good to have a wife who understands the power of a good cuddle. Better than cheek full of thorazine any day.

God's role in my car's breakdown

I would like to start by saying thanks to God. Thanks God.

Here's why:

As you know, my car broke down due to a bad fuel pump. This cost roughly $640 to repair. For me, this is a lot of money. Fortunately I had the money and enough to pay off school tuition at the same time. This is blessing #1.

Second, I am most grateful for the timing. The car broke down on Sunday after church. (It was a very good sermon from Dr. Marshall about the importance of daily devotions, habits, and grace. Very apropos to my life right now.) This was excellent timing. Amber and I had several hours before I had to be at work in order to deal with the situation. Additionally, I am very grateful that it went out on Sunday rather than Saturday.

Saturday morning I drove to Ozark for taekwondo. I tend to drive in excess of the speed limit. I'm not entirely sure what would have happened if it had on out on the way to or from Ozark, but I'm certain it wouldn't have been good. (Can you say 20 car pile up.) So that's blessing #2. It didn't happen on the highway.

Blessing #3 I am most thankful for. Amber went out Saturday night to various parties for co-workers for quasi-political reasons. I didn't go with her because I was at home working on my termpaper. She made it home safely, albeit late at night, and I am really grateful for this. It's a guy thing. I know Amber is good in a crisis and is generally levelheaded; but man-law dictates that a guy protect his girl. Not being there means if something bad had happened I couldn't have done that. Thusly I am thankful that God was riding with Amber and was following Bro Code #282, "Don't let anything happen to your Bro's babe if he's not around to watch out for her." So, again, thanks God.

Blessing #4 is minor in comparison to #'s 1 through 3, but I feel it is worth mentioning. I was able to go out with Amber, have a nice dinner, and watch a movie that made her jump every two minutes (which was very entertaining for me.) If the car had broken down on Thursday or Friday we would not have gone out. I'm thankful that it waited, because we had a nice time out and I think we needed that. I may be reading more into that is there, but I don't think so. So, again, thanks God.

Blessing #5 ties into blessing #1. I was able to purchase the router that I needed to finish my termpaper. It was rather expensive by itself. So I was able to pay off school for the semester, fix the car, go out with Amber, and buy my router, all on one pay check.

Finally, I am thankful for my awesome friends. Joey gave me a ride to work on Sunday, Hillary gave me a ride to a job interview on Friday, and Hanna and Chris loaned Amber their Intrepid for a few days. (This is despite the fact that the last time Amber and I were alone in the car we wrecked it. (The car has a nice hood, by the way.)) Lindsay volunteered to give rides as necessary, which was awesome. I'm not sure who else Amber asked for help, but I know any and all of you guys would have come running if asked. I know this because you've all been there for us at one time or another over the last ten years. I am really grateful for your love and friendship, and I really do thank God for you from the bottom of my heart.

I love you guys, and thanks.

A Busy Semester

This has been a very busy semester for me, hence the abundant lack of posts. I do, however, feel that much of that time was well spent. I have learned quite a bit (most of it self-taught too.)

I have setup an interim website for Bryan, over at weeping-prophetic.com. I taught myself much of the xhtml and css necessary to do it, but I did receive help from the Omega Brethren, for which I am grateful.

I taught myself how to configure and secure a webserver. I have one up and running now, though it is currently blocked off because I need to tweak the firewall some more.

I have, with help from Joel, learned basic C# programming. This is supposed to be a class, but we meet once a week, and it's mostly a do it yourself course. I found that C# for dummies was a better book than the text book too.

I have a new appreciation for the dummies books. They were very useful in learning introductory skills. There is also a company called O'Reilly's that publishes awesome books for anything computer related.

I am nearing the end of the semester. My paper is done (though I think it sucks), and finals are in a few weeks. I have quite a bit of reading to catch up on, so there won't be any deep posts for a while yet.

I have thought of a few topics. In the coming weeks, look for posts on Sabbath in 21st Century America, A comparison between God and superman, and other random things.

Cure for the blues.

In Gospel of Luke and Matthew, Jesus tells the parable of the Talents. It's the one about the rich man who leaves his servants in charge while he goes away to conduct business. When he comes back two of his servants have made a lot of money while the other one stuck his head in the sand.

We are all complaining about feeling restless, and are probably in similar places with the church and maybe with God, where we feel like He's off doing something else and we are on the back burner. (At least I feel that way.) I think at times like this, that parable is not just a story, it's a reality. God is off conducting business and has left us the run of the house. The question is, what are we going to do with the Talents he's left us. Hence, the restlessness. I think it's a subtle stirring of the Spirit to make us go do something.
Here's what I propose:

1.)Actively pursue ministry rather than seeking to fit in to a church group to feed us spiritually. We are all leaders. None of us really belong on a pew.

2.) Pursue something that is beneficial to us directly that also serves God. For instance, many of us have been dealing with Chronic pain. A support group that offers prayer, testimony, and maybe some healing and nutrition to help manage pain and the accompanying depression.

3.) Remember to rest and pant after God. This is the whole, "Sabbath" thing. We are all way too busy and not well rested. Cut back on some activities and make time and room for God. (This is probably more for me than anyone else though.)

4.) The final part is a bit self-serving, because I miss my friends and miss praying and serving God with my friends, but: Pursue these opportunities together. I blogged about our group of friends being our church community a while ago. Perhaps this is a chance for our little cell to "worship, serve, and go" together (to quote pastor.)